The story of Yaakov Avinu’s passing acts as an invitation to reevaluate spiritual rites that we perform in the hour that we face the death of someone close or a rabbinic great. Generally, we are unable to deal with these topics, since when it is relevant one’s head is not clear enough to discuss the issue, as the heart screams for salvation and healing, and when it is not relevant we follow the accepted practice of not dealing with “non-urgent” topics, and at times are even afraid of the Evil Eye received from the very discussion of these issues.

As is customary in the world as it exists today, we generally perform two things. First, we cry out to the Master of the World that He should send a full recovery to this person. We pray, accept upon ourselves different resolutions, we arrange gatherings at the Western Wall, and base our spiritual world on the adage of the Sages: “even when a sharp sword is placed on a person’s neck, they should not abstain from [crying out for] mercy”. Not only this, but we tell ourselves that we are not allowed to stop, and it is not in our hands to decide to stop praying for a person. This routine involves us performing different mystical rituals, turning to Kabbalists, and doing other actions designed to change the trend that we as flesh and blood see. Second, we turn to the patient with words of encouragement, recount to him and ourselves stories including “all the doctors could not believe it” and block out any expression that assumes that the death of a person is close, claiming that it is forbidden to despair.

Is this the only path of the Torah? In order to answer this question, one must analyze the dark shadow that these paths bring in their wake. Regarding matters between man and God, harm comes about because we become accustomed to situations where in almost 100 percent (!) of cases – our prayers are rejected and the person we are praying and crying out for passes away. I heard in the name of a certain Rosh Yeshiva that when someone is sick with the flu he prays for their recovery, however when it becomes clear that the person has a brain tumor – he stops praying. He views this as a false prayer and as a representation of the great spiritual danger of losing hope in the world of prayer as a whole. Regarding matters of man and God we abstain from letting a person prepare for death, to say goodbye, arrange his household affairs, look back at his life, rid himself of his pains and suffering, and other matters dependent on preparation for death.

Thus, there is another path in the ways of Torah. There is a path where we stop praying that a person’s suffering be prolonged when we see that they are close to their final days, and we do not cause him any more pain or borderline abuse him in order to prolong his life a couple minutes, based on the false halachic belief that we are obligated to do so. Quite the opposite: we follow the path appearing in the words of the Sages and pray to the Master of the World that his burden be lightened, that he should be redeemed from suffering, that his wishes should be granted for good (not those which are bad). Intimate prayer asking for possible goodness and pleasantness in these difficult situations, and not a continuation of suffering and pain.

And for the family and friends, we are permitted to adopt the palliative (supportive) care approach; we can come and separate from him just like the Sages have done throughout the generations; we can strengthen the critical patient in his fight against fear and terror of being left alone and remain with him throughout the difficult period; we can look back at life with him, receive his will, his decisions and directives, and go through all this tremendous pain together with him. Yaakov Avinu teaches us this ability as well, gathering all of the children together, arranging his affairs before his death, looking back at his life, summarizing the journey of life, and preparing for the final departure with his family. This is a tremendous lesson, that it is indeed possible that listening to him will pave the right path in these difficult hours of life.